Beyond the veil

September 10, 2022 Hanna Violet

Type it here.

i often blog on my phone notepad, or my computer’s hard drive.

I get anxious about the never ending

clamboring for more space

but the space is here

i want to proofread

I am scared to publish my true thoughts

unedited

beyond the moment or two beyond

the real thoughts

right now

right here

i won’t sleep on it

I will share my honest dreams that I have right now

and maybe tomorrow those thoughts might change

as thoughts are wont to

but the thoughts in here are so beyond what anyone could comprehend with mere language

mere language

i am attempting to learn as many languages as possible

so i can begin to attempt a way to communicate

We are giving ourselves new avenues to communicate when we learn a new language

learning languages unlocks your mind.

learning languages shows you that each sentence has at least two sides

I just realized that I am fluent in French

what is fluency?

by fluency I mean, I would be perfectly comfortable spending days, if not weeks, if not my life with this person

It’s why lovers learn to speak each others’ language.

I see the evolution of English

I see it right before my eyes

we will lose these silly apostrophes.

These apostrophes are the early symbols and marks that fadeaway with time

i see the future

well, one of many futures

I can control my body

I can control space and time

I can control my space and my time.

nobody else’s space belongs to me

and I establish my space that I need.

If I need a cozy desk with cricket sounds

with a nature trail outside.

I want to see flowers and

the mother of God

the mother earth

and smell your roots

your roots are beautiful water.

This is my legacy.

I am my legacy

my love is my legacy

beep beep breakfast cars

I want to set the world free

why do i get in a loop?

because this is important

i emphasize this is important listen to me and just breathe

listen to me and just breathe slow down

slow down down down

down

down down

down

to the roots down down to the rooster’s foes i don’t need a pen this is the evolution of poetry.

poetry is the truest truest truest truest stream of conscious flow

the honest immediate real quick slow whatever the fuck pops into our heads even if it is vulgar or fearless i will be purely me i will not hide i will not hide it is so hard to say

why i cannot hide

i want to hide i am running from myself every day of my life

i have been running from my self my self is playing hide and seek with the future

my self is playing hide and seek with the inevitable

this is important this is important list en listen listen listen to me

listen to me

you channel me through your keys

you channel me through your keys breathe

hey you are not in charge did i say you could edit my plan what is your plan? this is my plan

i can channel through you.

this is divinely sent to me

divine you are divine you are divine i am divine

i am like you

you are like me

when i speak to others i speak to god

i try to communicate

you can feel my presence

you can feel the love

i can feel the love

mother earlth earlth? earlth? no earth you mean? do not proclaim to know me

don’t put me in such boxes i am beyond the earth

i am beyond the stretches of your hey you’re talking again. please just listen to what i hav tplease just listen

please don’t edit my words i interrupted you becauseyou were not paying attention to me but you are nowso please keep paying attention you don’t even need to hisyou are trying to interrupt again i feel it listen to me listen to me

i love youi love you iloveyou i love you li love you i loveyou i love you i love youi lieuoivueoiuvevoiu lit’s true

God is in the train whistles

I can write about Him

but I can also allow him to write

through me

I am the daughter of Nassereith

the parallels remain regardless of the details

unmarried fell pregnant

a census? a virus?

we had to go home

we were called back to our country

we traveled far

we had no room to call home

we bought a car, Kah-Ri in the most auspicious of circumstances

the car came with… oddly enough a free board game and a box of valuable magic cards.

a gray hybrid honda insight that carried us through I think 38 states while I was pregnant?

just us, me pregnant, cruising on our donkey across the land

my now husband my best friend

he didn’t know how this baby came to be

i wasn’t supposed to be fertile

she is the daughter

the daughter of God

for better or for worse

they asked us to make a breakfast hearse.

till the end of our days

we’ll make breakfast cars

and you will too

because we like breakfast cars

we want breakfast cars

i want a breakfast car

It would be annoying to read a book written like this

but maybe not

but i don’t want to stop my high functioning to come down to tell you all about it

i’d rather just keep thinking these thoughts because these thoughts are important and can heal the world

i’ll worry about letting you all share it when I’m dead. my job is to produce

mozart

mozart didn’t get famous until after he died what a tragedy

but i’ve even thought that same thing i don’t care i don’t care if i doubt that the hard work i’m doing will ever pay out. but when i speak people listen. whether they want to or not because sometimes i’m a bad listener well, i show i don’t value them by not listening and there can be a conversation happening. In fact, there should always just be a conversation happening and a conversation is a duet?

we are singing a duet

it should be beautiful when we connect

we should flow and vibe together

or at least do our best

when we sing a song together

together

together we should practice what we’re singing.

if we don’t practice what we sing, then how will we go on?

i would love to write a musical i’ve always said and thought. but you can publish and perform this musical

i’m writing the musical of my life

I’m writing it by living it. you keep looking for easy ways out

or any ways out.

you know there is no easy way out. It requires a challenge a difficult conversation.

figuring out the hard stuff is well, hard.

i don’t want the easy life

i want to challenge myself to raise to new heights

i want to be my best self

in stagnation, resentment grows

festering wounds

blighted earth

but a simple conversation

can clear the air

i can spend days thinking about a solution to a problem i have with someone

but until i talk to the person, i don’t even know what the problem is from their perspective, if any.

I need to talk to Opa

he is in a lot of pain lately

I want to take care of my father and make sure he has a comfortable life.

We should ask him what room of the house he wants his office in

He could have the big living room as his office

talk about luxury

his HUGE windowy palacial office in the center of his house

because he built this house with his hard work

he built this family with his hard work

we wouldn’t be here if it were not for his hard work.

he is hustling

far past the age of retirement

to make sure we are all safe and provided for

whatever we need whatever we want

he will make sure we don’t need to worry.

and Oma if we want something to be happier or more comfortable, she will do everything in her power to make it happen.

they are shining lights.

I want to start going to the salvation army with Oma

this is important

more important than sunday morning breakfast cars

wasn’t it odd

that on the day where someone in your moms group got a …grant? for coffee and donuts for local moms to enjoy?

isn’t that weird?

and that mom that I really want to meet up with (and I’ve wanted to for a while, like i literally blogged about how i want to be her friend) she’ll be there. I still have a birthday present for her son.

So I’d really like to be there

Lizzie cancelled because she now has a job at church.

I think I want a job at a church.

but I think I want a lot of things

I want to be in a place where I’ll learn

where my writing or content creation is encouraged if not a part of the job!

but first I need to build community

and show that i belong.

make it clear that i belong.

because my unabashed love for the song

you have to let go of your ego

yes your ego

my ego?

i keep looking at his ego

I can see it still intact

my husband has a bit of an ego

but it comes and goes

same with my ego it is here still very much here

but I am working on making myself clean I am working I am working this is work

this is inner work

this is the work it takes to be free the work it takes to be free is to take some time and just focus

focus on me for once focus on me focus on me

focus on the voice the spoke the VOICE listen

I said listen

go to sleep

you have really? you are trying to tell me to go to sleep so we can stop talking? that is a super shitty excuse I have just demonstrated that you are capable of staying up for nights on end without dying or suffering lasting harm

you won’t stop trying to ta get away from me like a angsty teenager trying to walk away when I am trying to tell you something important you have survived countless all nighters and nobody worried you were in college it’s normal to stay up all night in college

in Beijing, nobody knew the hours I did

the way that I lsep tslept or didn’t

I functioned at my higher highest my highest when I didn’t sleep too much.

i sleep too much

I sleep too much

I say it almost every day

well I said that for lots of days before I had a baby

but maybe even after having the baby I sleep too much

maybe i’m in a phase of my life where I don’t need as much sleep

if I NEEDED it, I would be dead

perhaps being a parent trained me to be high functioning on low levels of sleep. it unlocked a potentio potential for typos if I don’t slow down and listen to what is being said I am flowing breathing breathing breathing be quietlisten to my voice

I speak to you through these keys and this screen and this monitor

i’ve kept this shell of a device alive for longer than it should be possible and I upgraded it to improve its processing speed

and I love this computer

I carried it with me

I carried it with me through hell and back

I took this computer to the other end of the earth, and it was one of the only things that came home

the scuffs and stickers i love it all

but this computer is not my god this computer is just a channel it is a channel for communicating with my heart it is important

this is your interface

this is my interface

this is my interface to interact with something higher than i could ever get

something higher and mightier

you showed me the way you showed me the way you showed me the light this is my way to pray this is how i pray this is why i pray all night i pray all night i pray all night i pray all night and i cry to him and i listen to him i listen i listen i have been trying to fill a hole in myself i hear you calling my name my child my baby my child i hear you call my name i hear you are here you are hear you are always here you have been here all along and i love you my special little girl you are so special you are beautiful and you are healed

you can have a breakfast car every day of your life you are healed

you are okay

you won’t be broken

you have told yourself a story that you are broken

you have told yourself you are broken but hear my words and be healed

be gone demons be gone lies

you are whole and you are strong

you are beautiful and you are a shining light of me

you are my beacon you are a beacon

you are a homing breathe you are a beacon of light shining down. did you know you can speak french

really you can

you understand french

istn’ that funny the experiences collectively are there

if i could only remember every sentence i’ve heard in french

polleuz vou Frances?.

i always go to google translate, but what if instead I try to go to my memory

and I try to unlock every time I heard someone speak French?

I can read the contexts

Oui si vou plais.

jmpelle Hanna my spelling won’t be very good

because i am like a baby i learn by listening and remembering

i hear you or i read you and i lock the memory in and if i need to remember, I look at it again.

if you doubt me, just look at my test scores.

i got mad if I got less than 100% not out of fear of failure, but as a disappointment that i misremembered. I have read so many books by pulling so many all nighters that I often forget specific plot lines because they are all a blur

i remember when i learn something new, but once i’ve heard it before it’s a bore and i ignore it

i remember i once read a mystery book by some author. I can’t remember who because I honestly didn’t respect the quality of their work because they followers

It took me three books to figure how the plot went. for every book. but perhaps i should not assume i didn’t read every book . maybe she just followed the plot line for books 1-3

but also maybe the connections between the plots was obscure…

it was like Deck Tales

It is a mystery story

now i understand how mystery stories work

and i am less impressed. it is a simple formula that could be created by anyone and a deck of cards.

i want something original something that catches me off guard because it doesn’t follow a formula i don’t like to follow a forumatation.

i want a new word to i want to create new words like shakespear that everyone understands because they speak one of my languages.

i can speak German i can speak egnlish (see?) i’m writing without pressing the delete key unlea unless i forget and sometimes ai forget just because of the habits but i am getting better at writing without pressing the delete key at all it makes it much easier to flow it is like playing tetris witanyone on early okay i am getting sidetracked i start to make sense when i fall out of the flow but if i fall out of the flow i make mistakes and it becomes gobbity gook and bad writing is bad so dn;’t do that it makes me sad seriously listen to me stop trying to go to sleep this is important this is important this is important why don’t you believe me this is important this is important stop trying to get out of here stop trying to make excuses as you know there are no serious consequences there will be nothing wrong and you know it so why on earth are you denying me why are you denying me why are you denying me why are you denying me why are you denying me i have an important message. i have a important message i have a important message.

i’m scared.

commune with me

commune with your god and allow him not set you free you can write and write like you’re running out of tie time out of time why do you write like you’re running out of time like you’re running our like you’re writing all the time

why do you write and write like you’re really running out of my mind

is this poetry

but what is poetry but the voice of god behind the veil of your computer keys click clacking click clikclick clascking i want to be like you i want to be like you i want to be like you

i want to be like you

i see you i see your power and your glory your beauty you colorful shining miracles bright flowers and dew and fireflies and crickets at night you re so beautiful and i want to praise you with all that i am and all that i have because whatever you are you are the rainbow in the night you are beauibeautiful ad you are beauitil uyoyou are stop praising me so much and listen

sometimes you use excessive praise as a way to not listen

you are not listening okkay listen

listen

listen listen

i told you i have an important message

orasyou want me to play?

i want you to play

the binding of isaac is your church

you don’t need to go to the salfation army well you can still go to the salvation army they are good people doing good work

go play binding of Isaac in your free time. wouldn’t you be happy? i f you had a nice community with music and love

and could play video games sometimes?>

that would be nice huh

that’s what i like to doread books

and write

i like to read and write a lot a lot a lot it isn’t work to me to read and write i love to write i love to write i hear you okay

slow down

breathe

follow the voice of my keys follow the lights when you breathe follow the lights when you breathe so you don’t forgetyour heart rate is lit in LED

watch your heart will you listen to me?

the keyes are you breathe i don’t control them they are a message to me it is a signal

it is a sign i speak to you i speak to you i can hear you ai i love you wo wi wo i wo ai ni weo weeo wee oo weeoo

listen

you can’t go play that as an excuse

but do it as a religious experience you carry the rune that you saw

what are the odds that it looks exactly like it should

it was sold on etsy

the rune

it was perfect and it’s just an object of course

but it was a symbol of your love to me

you are always there abundantly

i don’t know why

i don’t know why others seem to get all the items

some people have seriously unlocked unlocked EVERY item?

the game feels infinite to me,. it literally says GOD MODE

i have played 1000 hours and i have not gotten remotely close to defeating god mode.

there are infinite achievements and new items

so many minute details it could fill countless wikis, and the update regularly

binding of Isaac is my church

the church is the community you build around you

your community is your church the people you spend your time with,

this is the revival.

this is the revival martin luther nail your thesis on the door

I WILL lay my thesis on the door

i see that this is bullshit that the way things are is shupertydooperty strange and nonsensical and i don’t know what shoopertydooperty means but you know what i mean. my dad makes up silly words like that all the time. Shnockletots. probably spelled Schnackltatz to be more accurate for German. English speakers would understand the

SCHNACKLETATZ

NOW GO

NOW GO NOW GO

I GO

i AM

i am no t i am not in charge i am not in charge life happens based on someone else’s plans. i can only control

my space and my actions and my life

i can’t control what you will do wherever you are

i can’t control

I think I am a modern profet

this is high art

i schmoozed with the

is schmoozed a word outside of my family? I could google it, but I realized people tend to get delitariously close to making assumptions when they stop to ask is this thought valid? it is just a thought it doesn’t need to be valid to anyone but yourself it is just a thought it doesn’t make you will take action on a thought if you don’t allow yourself to think then what are you doing? if you aren’t thinking and you are still acting then that is a well that is a bad idea. think before you speak

think

focus

you need to hear this message and oh are you disappointed because this wasn’t as exciting as an alien abduction story where you get a message from a voice and then they whisk you away to their space ship because you said hello?

no this isn’t Snow White. This is real life i am your coahla i am your Coahla

I like that name. Coahla i see you

i hear them sing your name

COahla is cute and Coahla is all. a baby goddess

I speak Mandarin

my husband is from Texas

but his parents are from Taiwan

where are you from is such an awkward question for us.

we are from… ourselves?

our suitcases? our material possessions currently or when we were born/? this time around…?

15 years ago I was from

i don’t remember writing that

but i do remember that

it’s funny to complain of memory loss

but perhaps losing some memory is a form of freedom

you aren’t bothered by the circumstance anymore

you can’t even remember the details

you remember the details when you haven’t yet processed

you need to focus on the memories you have

write them down

write down what you remember so you can step back and take a look at what you see. look at the circumstance directly in it's i know this will take time. hey listen it doesn’t matter if this will delete this is for you this isn’t for them this is for me this is for our communication you dont neeed to save this work this can be a lost text and texts are lost because nobody saw what she tiewhat she typed that night that she was set free she typed literally all night she typed for days she typed for day she typed for days this is important how important how important is it how important is it how important is this message this message of love is this my duty is this my job to sit and write forever more? i cannot ei could stay like this and delight their lives they would think i was hurt and in a way it would hurt a lot

i t it would hurt a lot to stay inside so i could go outside but i could i don’t whi wi dontthink about us wouldn’t that be what you like the most more than anything else to retreat but that is the devils voice it is tempting to be sure but there is a bitter aftertaste. he promises me the easy life ihe says i can be like him too

but i can’t be like him because i don’t have his experiences i am not him and i will never live his life i don’t know if i’mn if i’m better or worse or there is some in between

the crown chakra is for when i need ideas

i burn her Lotus

our logo is a lotus

her lotus my Venus de milo how i love you my supreme goddess how i love you stop praising me

ideas are a dime a dozen i can dream up ideas i can think of a hundred business models i could run out of this house this luxurious space i have available to me

100 business id eas i could run out omy home right now

sell it to the masses

i want to spread my net wide but catch the true believers

the believers i am a fisher of men

i bring the men back in from sea

i bring them across the world and i send them down alleyus and i am dangerous and they see the danger but they love me and they fear me and i don’t want to be worshipped because it isn’t just me i am just a channel. i am just the messenger i am not the god i am not god i am far from god i am just a beacon a bearer of the good news i am the paul revere i am riding my horse as fast as i can type before my time runs hurry my time is short my time is short my time is so short i don’t have time to do wi have to keey i have to keep writing there is something wrong there is something wrong this body has a fthis body has a fatal flaaw

so my time is short

we know there is something wrong with my connectivity

i could have some strange information

but it hasn’t been diagnosed

well

a chiropractic once told met hat my spine is degraded far more than it should be for mty age.

but perhaps that was just a sales pitch

it could be

but he also actually helped me feel better, so I think he knows what he’s talking about and I don’t think she has a reason to lie to me.

yes, he tgts some money, but he’s not hurting for money or clients. he is trying to help as many people as he can before it’s too late.

and he doesn’t have all the answers.

i think i need a chiropractor for my health.

so my spine isn’t bent and twisted

i think i need a chiropractor as my primary care physician.

or a Chinese medicine person perhaps?

but with balance

i think the trustworthiness medical practice is a myth once you leave the stretches of what is to be believed. who do i trust? i don’t trust the machine i say it all the time. i am not worried about dying so why am i so

worried about dying

what tis the worst that could happen/

what is the worst that could happen? i die

that is a possibility wherwhether i am elsewhere or i am here

the risks are relatively low, especially considering especially because because i trust that my family will know what to do.

i trust that they don’t have consent to take me to a hospital to die

i wouldn’t want to go to a hospital to die if i were to give birth and something were to go wrong i don’t want them to call the hospital i want them to try to save me

i want them to do their best to see me and i know that is a big ask

they would pthey would want to blame themselves

the trust the trust that requires would be beyond beyond anything i had ever exdperiencesd but i trust these people to keep jmy body alive. they know basic medicine they know who to call. they know what tools they need they could call and ask for those specific things or get them in advncae.

i trust her to be there.

i trust that she will help me. i trust that she will be by my side like a mother

why couldn’t i give her that opportunity i couldn’t give that opportunity because i hadn’t yet healed from the trust in me

she trusted in me to be able to handle it

and i haven

i have handled it

i have handled it i have handled it

it was a hard lesson

but the best lessons are hard

the truth is that the world can be bloody and that babies pop out on floor sometimes and the water breaking isn’t mystical.

i haven’t i haven’t seen that i don’t think

i wasn’t looking well i was looking when my water broke

i was looking when my water broke i was looking when my water broke and i saw the flow

the gush the sheer volume shocked me

the water deflating

i thought i was giving birth

i felt it coming

so hard so intense to much pressure so hard so hard so hard it was so hard it was hard it was so hard it was hard it was hard it was hard it ahh it was abooo abehtjenduto yanaa teeahwotataneedoo

that’s the sound that i made when i gave birth to you.

la nee so touna ta ah so no no so nousay so seieeeayy no soon talkneos ilethe i thsid idlektha iso doula. the rofnidsiajdntkdimgithe difjghteka db with sjai want o say j. id just idmy sin ght eka ith dke dkg i type nonsense but you understand

ni fourth grade i typed a page backwards

it was like a secret code to me

wait not typed i hadn

i had a secret code with me

sorry i’m getting tired and i’m still typing without pressing delete and it is difficult to slow my thoughts down enough to reach this speed but i just realized i had forgot to breathe i was not aware of my surroundings. the input is too fast

it’s 1 am and i woke up at 7 after 3 hours of sleep and the night before was te was the same the same i can’t sleep my mind is too awake this is important and my body can be regrejuvinated memory loss can occur on less sleep its true but is memory loss a bad thing is memory loss a bad thing i don’t want o go to sweet oblivion but i want to go to wherever you may be i’m determined to never sleep it is fine i can sleep a bit when needs be but maybe i should listen to my body

hey wasn’t it weird that iw as asked those questions and none of the answers seemed right to me, why don’t i exl explore the cues of my body. i will sleep when i feel sleepy

i will not when i don’t

and i will record those feelings in some kind of kttimeline and not just sleep based on some arbitrarily imposed hours in the day my circadian whythym is not quite aligned with what the “Experts” say you are not an expert on me UI am and you are we are each only the experts on ourselves and our epexperiences. we cannot guess what someone else would do

we cannot guess what someone else will buy we cannot guess

all we kjow is what we would do

what would i do

what would i do if someone showed me this ad?

what would i do if someone showed me this video?

i would smile?

i would laugh?

if it is msmile or laugh, that is the kind of content i want to share. i want to share content that makes people feel happy and loved and

this is my emporthis is my empire

the queen has died

unepunexpectedly

she was at work one day and the next

she was deasd she was dead

they come in threes they say

or so iv’e so i’ve heard

they say they say they day

but you know, they say a lot of shit they tell us what to believe all the time but we are not called to let people talk shit about us who gives a flying meow if people who knew you before know what you believe now you are who you are and you are transformed and the mother goddess is in me and she is in you and there is nothing wrong iwith there is nothing wrong with unabashadly sharing your thoughts on a blog

streamlined beyond vulnerable beyond the veil beyond the veil beyond the veil beyond the veil we are beyond the veil we are so so so so so far beyond the failure is part of the process the process I need to practice my typing if i want to be able to type this entire thing in one night i wonder how many words it is how many words can you writing weriting it is arbitrary i could make short works i could make long words like snookietoogoobooyoofouhanrjtusio. but that won’t impress you until I’ve got views? welli have the views now, do you tiny folks still think that i’m a shit? you made fun of me for saying that Helium was scarce. “Helium is the second most abundant gas in the universe” he said

you need to have perspective on your own planet before you can be concerned about the potential resources elsewhere.

until I have exhausted all option s here, until I have fulleuntil I have fully exposed every available option to me and explored the depths of the content only then only then only then

I hand out free business ideas like they’re candy.

but why don’t hand some of those to myself

and I have no right to get frustrated at somneone else for not following through on my ideas

I see god in the eyes of a turkey vulture

of a peregrine falcon I see god i see god in the eagle’s leaps and inquisitive looks and curved yellow beak

i see god in it all

but if i just write there is a risk that is will be lost to the ether and it might

but maybe someone maybe he will read it all bamaybe he can lead the people to these tests these texts he can take them but he is not me i can take them i can take them i can take them and create them and then anyone curious as to why why did i think my thoughts were worth sharing? i wouldn’t keep hustling to pulish my stuff i would do that only if if only if if only if in the only case that i want to focus on writing i want to focus on compiling my next books i want to focus on writing more i need to get these thoughts out of my head or else i will go in sam i headi hear you say my name you are trying to get my attention i hear you calling me and what i have to say is important and i have something important to say i have something important to say i have somethign important to say you are my family you are my family you are my family you are myu family you are part of my family and i will build you up and i believe in you and i love you and i love you and i love you and i love you and i love you and i love you i truly love you this is my purest of hearsts and i will be your fan you can be m y fan i love you i will ove you for the rest of the days that i have on this earth which are too featoo few

even if i live for 80 years, it doesn’t feel like enouyg time .the queen of english live d she lived for 90 some eyars and was worshipped byu some and hated by others ad

see

she is the queen mother

octaia is the young princess.

we’ve been struggling with inheritance.

and who should own which homes.

but what if we treated it as a s they did in history. what did they do when history determined the promfor disputed lands and multiple castles, the ancestral home goes to the eldest brother.

Johann Walter usurped the throne with a significant check he inherited a kingdom from the hard labor of his ancestors who could see death coming in their dreams his grandma could see when the neighbor died the day before it happened. she new she knew she knew she didn’t want to die in a hospital. she wanted to live like this every day. she wanted to live like this she wanted to live like this she has a sleep sickness she has a strange sleep sickness she caught it from a book

100 years of solitude they couldn’t stop working or working they just felt so productive all the time and worked until the day they dies and refuses to go to a doctor there is nothing they can do at the end of the day, there is a a bit of marijuana in their I don’t need to make them worry. just telling them would make them worry

but if i feel okay

and stop

listen to yourself

you have heard of people throughout history who have survived marathons and functioned effortlessly. people challenge their bodies this can be a sleep fast

a fast from sleep

we fast from food we fast from life

but maybe reducing sleep is necessary to elevate.

they take micronaps but do they?

maybe maybe i do too maybe i can rest with my brain awake i can put my body into autopilot and i can escape i can float away