Why are some addictions are socially acceptable?

Addiction to external gratification?

Alcohol? Coffee?

Sex? Work?

Any number of things.

I know those who have slipped from just a few prescription drugs 

to more of them

To lost their kids

To lost their home

Lost their love

Lost their freedom

Who am I to say which path is the healthiest?

I know not yet which of us will live the longest.

I know not which of us will experience more joy in life.

It is not my role to judge the decisions of others.

It is my role to judge my own choices. 

Perhaps my story is about him…

My child who will hopefully be born

Someday somewhere somehow.

I better understand now the legendary struggle of Mary and Joseph.

This child who beckons me

He is a beacon of light.

He is a key part of my hope for the future.

Children give me hope for the future.

My child

(no, I'm not pregnant as far as I know, so shush your thoughts up on that front)

he gives me hope for the future.

I've longed to be a mother since I was a child myself.

My mom found a note to herself from when my cousin was born. I was one and a half and already couldn't help speaking. I had asked my mom whether he was my baby. She had me, and now I could walk, so clearly ready for a baby of my own. They called me Walkie Talkie.

One of my earliest memories is from when my younger sister was born.

I was standing in the hospital hallway behind my gram, Lois Violet. She was surely wearing purple. All of her clothes were purple. 

And she sewed many of them herself! She loved to make little throw pillows and put doilies under things. 

I remember holding my baby Reese all by myself, but the pictures show my gram helping me. I was only three and a half. But I was sure she was my child. The silly grown ups didn't let me have that other baby because I was still a baby. But this time I was totally a big kid. My parents even got me a shirt that said, "I'm the big sister now," and a princess crown that my mom or gram probably made. I remember opening the flat white box in the hospital room. I was so beyond excited to have a baby of my own. To be a big sister.  

My gram had a flower press kit I found in her closet after she died. 

I sneaked it out and filled it with a few flowers. I must have been about 12 years old when I did that. My mom later found the kit out of the closet and understandably got upset that I was sifting through her mother's belongings. She told me not to touch it. 

I never touched it again. I'm not sure if she did either.

I wonder if she ever found the flowers.

I probably didn't use the press right, but maybe it still contains some super dry flowers.

I chose pretty ones I think. 

I used to pick dandelions for my bus driver in elementary school. Her name was Dawn and she was always there to pick me up and drive me home and keep me safe. She was always kind and always gentle, and drove through hail and ice to get me.

I once tried to give my flowers to a guest bus driver and she cringed, saying she was allergic to those weeds.

Weeds?!

Weeds were the things my mom hated in the garden.

Dandelions were the BEST FLOWERS EVER.

They were everywhere and turned to pretty cotton poofs that gave you wishes! 

And you could sing that spooky chant that made adults freak out! Not that we dared say it in front of adults... 

Mama had a baby 

And its head popped off 

(and then you pop off the head of the dandelion and adults aren't even mad about that part because they hate dandelions for some reason) 

Kids always have super cringey chants, don't they?

In the preschool where I was a head teacher, the class next door took up chanting "F**K YOU" 

When they realized the power they held. 

Us teachers acted casual, saying they were hurting our ears and that we don't really like those words.

The excitement of the chant died out after a few days. People in the real world don't really care if you say a bad word every once in a while. And they certainly don't think you're funny or cool. Kids don’t actually want adults to feel bad. And if they seem to, it’s because they feel bad and need help.

We don't want to disappoint our loved ones. 

We want to make them laugh. 

We want to make them feel good. 

We want was is best for them and for ourselves. 

When children say or do something wrong, it is invariably a misunderstanding of what social norms are. They have only been on this planet for 5ish years folks! 

Who was I five years ago? 

I am deeply flawed now

I was even blinder then.

We've had these years to learn and grow and develop our understandings.

They are just at the beginning. 

It isn't easy and there may not always be easy answers. 

Our childhood joke birthday song was

Happy birthday

Happy birthday

There has come one more year

That means death is near

Happy birthday 

Happy birthday

To you!

Pretty morbid, but perhaps it is a good reminder that we never know when we will die. And we all will. I will die. You will die. 

We probably don't know when exactly. So if I want something to get better in my life, it is my job to change what isn't working. Now. With my current resources and current circumstances. I am quite homeless and directionless in a lot of ways right now. But I am not hopeless. I know I can take steps towards a different life. Towards the life I really want.

The Chinese word for teacher like me is Shifu. I teach how to work, I teach how to clean, I teach how to climb... I may have taught five-year-olds basic archery, boxing, and sword fighting skills. But I also taught them how to logically unwind their potential physical conflicts so that they may disarm others with their kindness, honesty, and genuinely love. It is usually not necessary to physically fight (unless being attacked) and if it is necessary, well… that’s why I practice skills to stay safe. Jiu jitsu is great for self defense.

My mind is all over the place these days, if you couldn’t tell by this somewhat nonsensical stream of consciousness.

So much is going on. It is confusing. It is a bit scary.

I’ve been crying more than I ever did before... Which I think might be a good thing. I used to struggle to cry, but my tears have been flowing freely the last few days.

I’ve been having vivid dreams every night, as well.

I’ve been trying to go on a walk every day at sunrise or sunset. The beautiful sky helps me feel balanced.

I don’t know what is coming, but it feels close at hand. And it feels important.

Something is coming.