My son, how can I begin to explain the long days that are leading to your debut?

For your sake, I do my best to balance the fear and confusion with laughter and joy. But it is hard. It is so hard some days.

I don’t want to be broken by the time you arrive. I want your first years, and all those that follow, to be filled with love and peace. But as these numb days continue to inch closer to your due date, I wonder who I will be. I don’t want to burden you and I don’t expect you to bear the responsibility of what the world has thrown my way, but you do give me hope. You are already the light of my life. More than anything, I look forward to getting to know your quirks and charms, your laugh, your smile, and the shape of your nose and eyes. I want to know your skills and I want to share your struggles. Knowing that it is my job to help you become a great man gives me a reason to keep moving forward even when the barriers are high in every direction I turn.

I must admit, I don’t know what to do from here. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what steps to take. My planned trajectory felt so right, but the universe had other things planned for me. Perhaps I’m meant to primarily focus on raising you.

To help myself wrap my mind around everything that has happened, I want to summarize each month of the year leading up to your conception in just a sentence or two.

January 2020: Gave your dad a new year’s kiss at the bar he owns in Beijing, went snowboarding with the Beijing rugby teams, then traveled to Sanya with your uncle Daniel.

February 2020: Arrived back in Michigan to visit my parents, return flight to China was cancelled due to COVID. Tavey arrived in Michigan and we expected to stay a few weeks while things settled down in China.

March 2020: Tavey and I visited friends from China in Pittsburg, my sister in Indianapolis, and then his family in Texas. Pandemic was announced so I returned to Michigan alone to stay with my family.

April 2020: Had a fever and cough, but didn’t get a COVID test, just stayed isolated. Was laid off my job in China with one day notice.

May 2020: No direct contact with other humans. Spent a lot of time outside gardening.

June 2020: Still no touching anyone. Regularly calling Tavey and spending time outside and making music.

July 2020: Decided to meet Tavey in Austin to try to get our lives back on track.

August 2020: Started homeschool teaching some kids in Texas whose school was closed.

September 2020: Living in a friend’s studio room airbnb with Tavey, enjoying back yard hang-outs with neighbors.

October 2020: Still homeschool teaching and spending time with neighbors.

November 2020: Visited Tavey’s family for Thanksgiving (with lots of COVID testing as a precaution) and quarantining.

December 2020: Christmas Eve found out that my homeschool students caught COVID, so we go into quarantine. I publish a book and find a new job opportunity in China, but must wait to travel there until COVID “clears up.”

January 2021: I find out I’m pregnant and realize we probably won’t be going back to China so soon. I start writing for a company in Hong Kong.

February 2021: We stay with Tavey’s parents while trying to decide on our next steps.

March 2021: We return to Michigan to stay with my parents while still trying to decide on our next steps. We search for apartments and houses back in Austin, but are met with lots of scams and bad deals.

April 2021: Where I am now as I write this…we would love to have our own home to raise you, but we may end up staying here.