Why do I shy away from some of my own thoughts?

Why not dig deeper?

I am my best therapist. I clearly need something.

I was blatantly unwell. Out of whack emotions. Grumpiness about things I frankly love. I love spending time with flowers. Why am I complaining about watering flowers?

Perhaps because I want to water flowers more.

I would love to spend all day looking at flowers. I know that sounds boring, but time flies when I’m outside. So I feel frustration that I have to water the flowers quickly because I feel pressure to do other things. I have other obligations. 

When I go to the lake, the day feels long, but long with pleasure. The warm sun on my skin, the laughter of happy families, a good book in my hand. I don’t want it to end. But then I blink and it’s over. 8 hours can speed by.

Like when I worked as a teacher, the days flew by. There were challenges and stressful situations. But the years are now a blur. It is already beginning to feel the same with our baby.

Perhaps I am restless because I am not acting on my priorities.

It is a delicate balance.

Is self-awareness bad if it goes too far?

Filters are used to help people feel less uncomfortable.

But how do I know that my arbitrary filter will or won’t prevent discomfort? I’ve definitely said the “wrong” thing countless times. When trying to please other people, I am just as likely to disappoint as if I just try to do things in the way that makes the most sense to me. Of course, it is valuable to get advice and input to some degree, but nobody has been in my exact shoes. Nobody else can see all of the intricate avenues of my mind.

Depression comes when I am not living in the way I want to. It comes when I’m not listening to myself and my needs or desires. It comes when I’m not honest with myself

It is a flashing red sign that I need to change something.

In my deepest heart, I haven’t been seeing 8Ways Games as “our” business. I’ve been seeing it as his business that I’m helping him with. But I’m literally the CEO of this company. We’ve been saying that 8Ways Games is us, and I’ve been genuinely myself throughout. But I think I’ve been in denial about the things I’d love to do. Like I’ve been writing a blog of my thoughts for years. Why have I not thought to link this blog to the 8Ways Website? Not that he shouldn’t have a linked blog too. If the brand is us, then we should both have our thoughts represented. Some people would rather read his thoughts. Some would rather read mine. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I’ve been valuing his creativity more than my own. I love writing. I passionately love writing.

As an experiment, similarly to this entire Kickstarter campaign thing, I spontaneously self-published a book back in 2020. I realized I had written enough blog posts to make a short poetry-esque book, so I just looked into how to self-publish and went for it. I didn’t really do anything to promote it besides mentioning it casually on my podcast because I know it isn’t a book for everyone. It was a book for me.

Even now, I’m just thinking about telling Tavey that I’d like to link my blog to the 8Ways Games site, so there would be a Tavey Rants and Hanna Rambles. But I don’t need to ask his permission. The blog part of my website has been called Ramblings for years. Because that’s all it is. Stream of consciousness writing from my soul. It’s extremely therapeutic, and I think I will be a better CEO, wife, and mother if I make it a habit to write 600 words every day.

It may take some time, but those 600 words can be a list of things I need to get done, it can be whatever I want. But it will force me to make a plan to direct my energy. Or, if I’m having a lot of rough feelings, I can use that space to explore my thoughts. And then… I can publish my annual diary. Every year in December. I didn’t make one last year, but I will make one for 2021 and 2022. I wasn’t writing every day yet, so, this one will be shorter perhaps.

In the first book, I said I would write 600 words every day. But apparently, I fell behind on that… but that’s okay. I am recommitting to that again now.

Each book will be interesting because it will just be about my real life. Which will be interesting. It is like a written TikTok. See? I just placed myself in history! But it can also just be spontaneous creative writing. I want it to be a pure expression of my thoughts in real-time. As unfiltered as possible.

I know I still have a bit of a filter up. I see the wall.

But for the first time, I see that it isn’t a wall, per se. It is a filter. It is a veil I’m a bit afraid to look behind. It is the thoughts I’m nervous to confront. I don’t know why yet, but perhaps this writing will help me understand better.

Self-assured. That’s what I would like to be. To be brave enough to simply share my honest thoughts, regardless of the consequences.

Everyone is walking on eggshells because everyone is afraid of what others will think.

But perhaps we don’t need to be informing others what we think all the time, and instead need to just act. And perhaps we are so scared of our own ideas, that we don’t even dare inform ourselves what we think. I doubt many people, if any, will ever read this. So this will be my space to share my thoughts… with myself. My true thoughts. So I can explore my priorities and needs. Worst case, I get crucified by the court of public opinion, but at least I will have lived honestly. And I’d hope that anyone reading this can see that my intentions are good. My greatest desire is to exude love.

The books will get published, and perhaps someday something will come of it. But if not, that’s okay too. It will be good for me, either way.

It’s my job to pull the strings to make my own dreams come true. Who else will do it? If I need help with something, I’ll get help. And I’ll help my family and others with their dreams, as my time and energy allow.

We will build each other up and work to our strengths.

beep beep breakfast cars.