Bright future

Okay… let’s address some of the deepest fears in my heart. There’s that fear that I will never be good enough for someone to love me as unconditionally as I desire to be loved; For someone to truly understand the intent of my heart, and then cherish it.

In every case in which someone flowered me with affection and treated me with complete respect - I ran. Whenever I found someone who appeared to truly appreciate all that I had to offer, I pushed them away, disbelieving they could have good intentions for me. As my negative self-image developed, perhaps I began to attract partners who treated me like I treated myself. I loved aspects of myself, but I didn’t trust or respect myself.

When people hit their forties and fifties, they often complain that their partner doesn’t show them enough affection or act romantic. But when we are young, for some reason we reject the people who seem the most interested. I am certainly guilty of this.

I maybe see more clearly now. I may have built up unrealistic images in my mind, but I believe that thoughts are powerful. The life we imagine for ourselves is possible. It may not be possible in the way (or time) that we expect or hope for, but it is possible. My heart may crave a particular thing now, but I have learned that the heart is resilient. The heart often breaks when learning. If I want my life to be a certain way, it is likely possible to take a step closer to that with relatively simple action now. When the way forward is completely unclear, that means I am looking in the wrong direction.

“What are your intentions” is an important question. If you have no vision for the future, for what purpose are you taking actions? If I intend to be a respectable adult, then I must act now, because the only thing I can control in this world is my own behavior. So if I want to be that person, it is me who must be that person. The world won’t suddenly bestow a new life upon me. Life may give me huge flashing signs in certain directions (aka red flags and opportunities), but it is ultimately up to me to follow or ignore that guidance. I sometimes feel that I am just waiting for a huge red or green flag before stepping forward. But the big flag doesn’t always come. We are constantly being thrown flags in all directions. Red flag about work, green flag about love life, red flag about this aspect of that relationship, green flag about this aspect of that other relationship. These flags are mere distractions from my true purpose. Encouraging love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control is my purpose.

If something goes unexpected or wrong in my relationships, I am going to try fighting for love. But again, the only thing I can control is my own behavior. And fighting for love does not always mean that a relationship will remain in its current status or function. Regardless of whether my love is taken or left behind, I can be at peace, knowing I am doing my best. I am doing my best to be true to myself and everyone else involved in my tangle of a life.

That isn’t to say I won’t get hurt. Pain is part of the journey.

Whatever flags are thrown in my direction, it is my responsibility to control my responses. I can acknowledge my negative feelings without damaging my positive feelings. I can feel angry with someone, but also feel love for them. I can feel ignored, but also feel cherished by the same person at the same time. This is probably because I often simultaneously ignore and cherish myself. The way we love others is the way we long to be loved by ourselves. But the way we allow ourselves to be treated by others is closer to the way we treat ourselves.

We often seek love from people who struggle to love themselves.

We often try to love without really loving ourselves.

I have often tried to love others without really loving myself.

And it often felt wrong when someone treated me better than I treated myself.

How dare someone love me?!

I’m too far from perfect.

But I am daring to love me now,

so that I can truly love others in a radical way.

We form habits in the way that we communicate. For years, I constantly fed myself negative and cruel messages. I pulled away from people who got close to the core of my being - because the core of my being is the beliefs I hold about myself.

If I believe I am hopeless and worthless, others will begin to see me that way.

But I know that I am not.

I know what I am worth

and I know that my future is bright.