shadow boxing

“Smaller movements

Keep the balance

…

…

…

There’s a fly!

fwooosh.

Oh.

I got it.

I think I knocked it to the ground…

And it’s probably…

huh… wow okay…

now I know I can do that…

I think my reflexes are getting better!

but I think… I may have killed a fly. gently touches my shoulder And I’m sorry.”

Those words are spoke

so gentle

it makes it easier

to see your pure intentions;

your purely intentioned heart.

I want to see my own purely intentioned heart

and I can shine with genuine joy - by holding myself accountable

for the way I treat others

and not blaming it on the dog

or the in-laws or the circumstances or my fears.

I cannot blame others for my responses.

I cannot blame others for my weaknesses.

If I am weak, it is my responsibility to get stronger. He or she or they or everyone may not believe in me. But that is their problem.

I believe in me.

I want to, at least. I’m working on that.

It’s hard.

It’s really not easy at all.

It’s easy to doubt myself when not everyone is as excited about my ideas as I am.

But if I am excited by an idea, why not allow my creativity to flow freely?

If I know something is a good idea, why not share it? Someone out there may appreciate it and grow. My ideas may just touch one person. But that is all it takes. Fires don’t always start fast. They don’t always explode all at once. And those that do, tend to burn through their fuel too fast. I spent many weeks teaching young children how to start fires and hike safely - learning all about the native edible (and dangerous) flora - at the Leslie Science and Nature Summer Camp in Ann Arbor. A few weeks ago, in Austin, TX, I carefully helped a group of Kindergarteners learn how to safely make sparks with flint and steel - including a firm lesson on when, where, why, and under what very specific circumstances this dangerous skill is to be used. This is a necessary survival skill, most easily learned in youth through careful exploration. My interests in science and exploration were sparked during my misadventures at my father’s Austrian farmstead.

Deprived of modern technology - I had dial-up internet while my friends in the US had cool phones with full keyboards and sliding screens, desperately sending aol messages to my teenage boy friends in the few minutes I may be allowed online Der alte PC des Meines Onkels - It forced me to find a new way to play. New ways to learn. If I wanted to learn how to read which of course I want because it unlocks secrets! I would learn how. I had to. I found a book there once written in the 1690’s. Many others from the 17 and 1800s. We made it a game to find the oldest relics. Most of these books are housed in the windowed bookshelf carved by my father’s grandfather into the wood paneled walls - cut of the wood from his own forest and carefully carved for the interior of his home. The Kacheloffen in the Stübe was custom fitted to the shape of my grandmother Johanna’s backside. Or was it her mother’s? I think it was hers. My dad knows. But he and his brother may be the only ones left who know. That tidbit of family history may otherwise be lost to the ages.

Dad, if you’re reading this, maybe you should write a memoir. I know you are a genius. You are a world-renowned chemical engineer and deeply understand the circumstances of the climate and energy crises. You literally study it for a living and have invested countless hours into actively researching more effective solutions to our world’s biggest problem. You get exhausted by talking heads because they are just that - talking heads. They don’t have experience with the raw data - they may not know what life is like on the ground. You are actively trying to change the world for the better and seeking the most viable avenues for achieving that goal. You partnered with passionate and intelligent people in Gabon, Highland Park, Kazakhstan, and Ann Arbor - seeking to develop fully sustainable cities. That is absolutely incredible. You are using your wisdom and grace to help facilitate partnerships (locally and internationally) that have the potential to truly change the world for the better. To give people access to clean water and healthy food. Access to energy. Access to better lives.

It can be hard to find balance between pursuing big dreams and maintaining a certain lifestyle... I guess that's what I struggle with. I want to change the world. I want to inspire the people around me to keep changing the world too. If I am not satisfied with the way things are - then it is my job to change things.

I’d say most of my content is only regularly noticed by a handful of humans. But I love that handful of humans deeply. And if I can share my love, joy, and peace with that handful of humans - If I can make them feel more loved, more cherished, more appreciated, more confident, more joyful, more at peace with themselves, more excited to explore their own amazing ideas - then am I not achieving a miracle?

Maybe the spark will catch.