The switch
Corporal punishment may stop bad behaviors in their tracks, but how effective is it really?
“The switch” is what my parents called the thin, soft stick that lived on top of the fridge. It wouldn’t really hurt us physically to get a smack with it on our bottoms, but it undeniably induced mental anguish in all the children who faced it.
As our relatives gathered for Thanksgiving, the adults began discussing their use of the switch and in which situations they deemed it necessary.
My brother gave the example of a time he and our other brother were having a fist fight. An adult caught them and gave them a smack with the switch. He said they never boxed like that again (at least not where they could get caught by adults). I remember seeing it used on my little sister. I don’t remember having it used on me (I was a bit of a goody two shoes), but I certainly remember fearing it anyways.
So what did “the switch” teach us?
Physical discipline is a form of motivation. It is extrinsic motivation (motivation from a source outside of oneself) to avoid certain behaviors.
It teaches children to do or not do things out of fear of physical retribution, which may or may not have anything directly to do with the behaviors.
It teaches children that inciting fear is an appropriate response to behaviors that are disliked.
I’d argue that even the threat of a smack from the switch or hit of any kind is simply an easy out for adults that reduces a child’s ability to develop healthy self-control and discipline.
I once caught several children in my classroom play wrestling in an extremely unsafe way.
There were wooden blocks on the ground around them, other kids were playing nearby, and there was hard furniture nearby. Sure, perhaps it would have been easier to give them a smack and say, ”Don’t you EVER fight like that again in my classroom!”
But I’m not about easy. I’m about what will be best for these little humans in the long run.
It is necessary to keep in mind that these kids will grow up to be adults. The way we learn to resolve conflicts in childhood will carry over to adulthood. Why do so many adults in our society physically and emotionally mistreat their spouses and children? Perhaps because they’re taught from young childhood that if a loved one is misbehaving or disrespectful, it is okay to make them afraid in order to keep them in line.
So back to my little wrestlers. What can we do to stop the obviously unsafe behavior? The first step is to physically stop it. I stepped between them, gently pulled them apart, and stopped the fight with a firm voice saying, “This needs to stop, I’m worried one of you or one of the other children will get hurt.”
This is where it gets hard for the adults involved. Sure, I’d prefer for these kids to never fight, so it’d be easier to use a magic tool that ended the fighting forever. However, fighting is something that adults do for hobbies or for a living (MMA, UFC, Olympic martial arts, etc.) It can also be extremely beneficial for self defense. Physically fighting is not innately bad, depending on the context.
Kids will often play fight. If they learn that it makes adults angry or feel afraid of adult reactions, they will hide and do it in private, and are more likely to get seriously hurt in the process.
My role as the adult is to calmly and rationally express my concerns, and open up a conversation with these kids, respecting and acknowledging their desires, while setting firm limits. This isn’t about being “soft.” In fact, I’d argue that this method requires far more emotional and mental strength to accomplish. It is not easy to inspire intrinsic motivation for positive behaviors (motivation based on a personal desire).
To begin the conversation, It is valuable to point out all the physical hazards, so they can develop their awareness. Children usually don’t know why the adults are upset about their behaviors. The safety risks aren’t understood. Threatening an action that makes them feel unsafe (hitting with a switch) will not make them understand why what they were doing was unsafe. The results might seem the same (they avoid the behavior), but it isn’t because they understand the safety concern, it is because they don’t want to get in trouble.
The next step is to open up the conversation to their ideas for how to do things differently.
“It is not okay to fight in these conditions because xyz, how could we make this happen more safely?”
Allow them to think of ideas. If they struggle, I’d suggest that we watch some professional fighting videos or kids’ martial arts videos to get an idea of how they do it safely.
We’d then discuss the limits and propose ideas.
“You may not fight in the middle of the classroom around all those kids and toys, because like we discussed, that’s not safe. Do you have some ideas?”
And we’d discuss and discuss until we all agree on something that we’re all comfortable with.
It can take a long time. This specific wrestling incident turned into several days of discussion with these students.
My little wrestlers eventually concluded that we needed a wrestling mat outside, mouth guards, kid “judges” and an adult “referee” at each of their matches, the ability to tap out whenever they needed a break or felt pain, and a discussion with their parents about how we would accomplish this safely.
This became a project they were excited to take ownership of. They were excited to teach the younger kids how to more safely wrestle. They wanted to learn real wrestling moves and they wanted to do it without anyone getting hurt. And they were happy to do it in front of adults because they knew they were being safe and responsible, but also having fun and exploring their physical limits.
In every circumstance in which adults may deem it appropriate to use physical punishment to teach discipline, it is an opportunity for a powerful life lesson. What kind of lesson is up to the adults. Will we teach our children to stay in line out of fear, or will we teach them to creatively pursue positive behaviors?
If I become my child’s adversary in any way, that will simply teach her to keep secrets from me. If I threaten to hurt her or make her afraid when she disrespects me, that doesn’t teach her what was wrong with her behavior. If she is young, it is unlikely that she was intentionally being disrespectful. It’s more likely that she was testing limits to develop her understanding of adult communication.
When dealing with disrespectful adults, what do we do? Honestly, I often feel helpless. I can’t threaten violence to make the disrespect go away. A healthy response to adult disrespect is to firmly set boundaries, communicate about what hurt me, or simply walk away.
With a young child, my job as the adult is to teach them why what they said or did was wrong and how to more effectively get their needs met. It is okay to tell a child that they hurt your feelings. It is okay to say, “I'm going to walk away right now. What you just said/did makes me really feel sad/angry/frustrated and I want to take a break from playing with you.”
That is a natural consequence for disrespect. If you are disrespectful in the adult world, people won’t want to spend time with you. They probably won’t hit you (though they might), but I don’t want to teach my child that hitting is a good response to disrespect. I want to teach my child to be respectful.
It’s okay to remind a child of the “real world” consequences of similar actions, but it is also necessary to reinforce that I know my child is good and has good intentions. It is important to remind them that I am on their team, no matter how they treat me. Such situations are incredible opportunities to teach forgiveness and the meaning of unconditional love. This method of discipline requires a lot of emotional vulnerability, self-control, and consistency. It is far from easy, but the rewards are innumerable.
“I know you are kind and don’t want to make people sad, but if you say/do things like that to people, it will make them sad or angry and they won’t want to be your friend. I’m not mad at you and I always love you, but I really didn’t like what you said/did. You may not speak to me like that/you may not hit me/you may not do xyz behavior.”
Ultimately I am my child’s advocate. If I see her interests, even if I don’t share them, it is my job to encourage her to explore them in depth, not teach her to live with more fear.
If I see her weaknesses, it is my job to give her the tools to overcome them, not instill fear so she suppresses them.
I will work with her, not against her.