Confronting abuse

Trigger warning: The content of this post is pretty heavy. I’m debating whether to post it at all because I worry it may be misunderstood. But I think it might help me process.

I once dated a person who hurt me in a way that seriously impacted the quality of my future relationships. I am realizing now that I may need to confront the details of it in order to identify and correct the lies I likely still tell myself. I won't say who this was, or when and where because I'm not trying to crucify him. And if you somehow figure it out, please leave him alone.This isn't about him. This is about my own healing process. If I'm not mad about it, there is no need for you to be. 

I haven't talked to him or seen him in a long time, so I sincerely hope that he is doing better now. He was taking his own insecurities out on me. But that isn't an excuse for his behavior. What he did to me was reprehensible. But I hope he has gotten over it so that he doesn't continue to hurt people.

He would get angry. So angry that he would throw furniture through walls. The drywall in his bedroom was riddled with holes. Once, he locked me in a room with him while he was throwing a screaming fit about something his father said, and he wouldn't let me leave until I cried. 

If I didn't kowtow to his anger, I'm not sure what he would have done. 

He threatened to hit me so many times that at one point, I snapped and screamed at him to just do it.

It's almost worse to live in constant fear of being hit. I'd rather just get it over with so I can stop being afraid. 

So he did it.

And I had his hand print on my body for three days.

He was proud of that. 

I blamed myself for years because "I asked for it." 

But I didn't ask for abuse. 

I was desperate for an escape. 

He even told me once that I was ugly when I wore sweatpants.

Silly boy. I'm hot and I know it. 😜 

But I'm no victim now. 

I was a victim when he was hurting me.

But I will not allow myself to be victimized anymore. 

I demand basic respect.

If you want to hit me, do it. 

I'll proudly turn the other cheek.

And then I will try to look at you through the eyes of a teacher.

Sometimes when young children get angry, they try to physically or emotionally hurt each other or me or their parents.

When they do this, I immediately condemn and correct the behavior [“It is not okay to hit (or call me that). That hurts me”], while emphasizing that I care about them and am not angry with them, but that I am very serious about the inappropriateness of their behavior. If they are still seriously emotional, I ask if they would like to take some time alone to calm down before we try to solve the problem. Sometimes this requires some conditions. If a child is angry at me, perhaps they need to hear an explanation or apology for some of my words or actions. If they’re angry about something else, sometimes a logical explanation helps, but usually they are embarrassed by their outbursts and want to hide in shame. My goal is to stay kind and gentle no matter what. They are children. They don’t have the life experiences I have. They have an excuse for their behavior, I have none. They are in the early phases of learning what good behavior is.

Once they are calm, I attempt to unwrap through a discussion why they are angry (maybe they’re hungry, maybe they misunderstood their friend’s joke). I also tell them that they hurt me when they hit or say mean words. They usually cry and hug me at this point, apologizing or expressing regret for their actions. We then spend a while discussing alternate methods for coping with anger when we feel it towards people we love. I tell them the things that I like to do. When I’m angry, I spend some time alone or I try taking 10 deep breaths. I go outside for some exercise or I hit a punching bag. I get a hug from someone who loves me. I draw a picture or sing a song. I ask for an explanation from the target of my anger. I cook a nice meal with love.

But children need to be taught how to do these things.

In front of our friends, that ex-boyfriend of mine "playfully" pushed me into the dirt and spit on my face. Our friends joked that I should dump him. 

I can see now that they were also unsure of what to do. They didn't know how to make him stop. They didn't want to be hurt by him either. 

I lost one of my closest friends at the time because I wasn't giving her enough attention. I can't blame her. But I also can't blame myself because I was a bit distracted. It's hard to be a good friend when you're in fight or flight mode. I need to be more compassionate to myself. I was learning hard lessons.

I've decided not to include the details of the sexual abuse in this public post because the last thing I want is to put more negativity into the world. We were both afraid of our sexuality, and that fact fueled more of his anger and made me a clear target for him.

He would yell at me for the things he hated about himself.

He once yelled at me because he burned the ramen noodles he was cooking, saying that I should have been cooking them for him in the first place.

I nearly started crying a few weeks ago when I spilled some food I had been cooking. It's almost like I have been subconsciously holding onto some ludicrous fear that my incredibly peaceful current partner might yell at me or hurt me for something so silly. 

I was afraid to break up with the bad boyfriend because of how angry he might get. It finally ended the day before my birthday. He dumped me because he didn't want to buy me a birthday present. He tried to get back together... the day after my birthday. I went back to him. For 3 days. And then we finally really broke up. We both knew we weren't healthy together. 

And then I snapped.

And in front of our friends, I seethingly condemned him for hitting me and mistreating me for so long.

And then most of those friends stopped talking to me.

I now know that a public confrontation was not the best way to resolve those feelings. Hindsight is 2020. The best way would have been to disallow that level of disrespect from the very beginning. But my mom always says not to “should on myself.”

I'm not sure what he told them, but I understand why he would want to discredit me. My truth certainly doesn't look so good for him. And I can understand why they would want to believe him. It's uncomfortable to know that abuse was happening right in front of you. 

Because of our physical circumstances and mutual friends, I continued to see him daily for several years after that. But I quickly became hardened. I am working on softening my heart again. Not to him necessarily, but to other people. I like to think that most people won't intentionally hurt me. 

I do wish people had listened to me when I finally spoke up. Maybe I really just wish I had been given more respect. I also wish I hadn't been as afraid to share what was going on. I never told my family or some of my closest friends. But wishing won't change how things went down. Being upset about it won't change it. Nobody owes me an apology.

I'd rather move forward joyfully with my life!

I still maintain several mutual friends with him. And I am totally fine with them being friends with him, as long as he is respectful to them and they feel safe. Like I said, I'm not currently a victim. And if they don't feel like his victims, then more power to them! 

I might be willing to have a conversation with him someday if he thinks it would be helpful. My mission is to reduce suffering in this world.

For everyone. 

They say to kill em with kindness.

Watch me.