BEH BUH

Dec 4

I started to bleed.

Two weeks later than expected.

And for the first time in my life I wasn’t relieved.

I felt devastated.

I still feel devastated.

A potential Octavia

no more.

Why do I feel ashamed to even admit these feelings?

Is the pressure to hide my tears self-imposed?

I weep when I’m alone.

And sometimes silently when I’m not, but nobody is looking.

I don’t know how to grieve someone I never held in my arms.

I have nothing tangible to hold onto…

Just some abstract sense

that my body carried something beyond myself again.

Just a blip.

just my BehBuh.

sometimes I feel like I am being used.