sometimes I feel like I am being used.

Stream of consciousness thoughts:

Sometimes I feel like I am being used.

Is it by others?

Is it by a higher power?

Or am I just looking for excuses to be anxious?

Anxiety is often tied to the stories I tell myself.

I hope I remember to post these notes as blogs someday.

(Look Ba—I’m following through!)

I think sometimes that my thoughts could help others feel better about themselves

That is my goal.

but perhaps I am over zealous

or grandiose in my desires.

But if I don’t believe I can make the world better… then why try?

I’d rather believe in my foolish pipe dream.

that i can make the world kinder

I can make ends meet, &

I can help others learn to do the same;

I can shape hearts and minds

with genuine love and compassion.

holy love that comes from a source beyond me

; A love that inspires fear because of the might of its power.

; It is not me.

; i am a mere aspect.

; I am an expression.

; i am a wisp of wind on a chilly night

, electrifying your bones

and twinkling in your eye

. i am a wave in the south china sea

at midnight on the beach of sanya,

the sand between my toes.

The music of the night,

an angel in the darkness,

a lonely poet

wearing my heart on my shoulder and between my eyes.

; transparent like an amethyst

sparkling out of the corner of my eye.

Rye bread

makes for a good ruben.

i communicate in the code of my tangled upbringing.

I often don’t understand myself and wonder if others do

understand and see something just beyond my reach.

i feel blind or deaf,

and yet i hear and see crystal clearly.

i need glasses sometimes when my

ocular interpretation falls apart;

It readjusts and needs balancing.

I am often out of balance when i don’t exercise enough.

i feel not taken seriously when i don’t prove myself

this poor little fleshbot wants to be a whole person “so do it”

detroit becoming human

perhaps we’re already there

or at least on our way

we’re wearing shock collars

to punish our misbehaviors

i feel pain when i am not

pursuing my purpose

i know not yet what the purpose

precisely is

but perhaps the exploration is part of it.

i want to be an explorer

and adventurer

a sociologist and anthropologist, if you will.

perhaps I should discuss ideas with the university.

or … Mr. Smith … my high school German teacher.

Andrew Smith who biked to work because his car broke down. and had a wife at home, bedridden with a mysterious illness. an unappreciated saint, enduring the taunting of 15 year old goofballs for the sakes of our education.

that’s what I like to believe.

I don’t know the details of anyone’s lived experience but my own.

I interpret my universe through this current lense,

and I’m trying to do so with love

for myself

and for others.

I’ll do small things with great love.

And haters gonna hate…

but I’m not.