Loving Expectations
Perhaps for the first time, I am in a relationship in which my partner and I don’t need to have serious full-on conversations every day (not accepting extenuating circumstances). And there are moments when it unnerves me and I begin to doubt myself or their feelings towards me. But then I stop to consider what my expectations truly are. What do I want in a partner and what does my partner want in me?
I want someone who is respectful and kind. I want someone who is patient and honest. Someone who holds me accountable for taking care of myself (with support) by gently discouraging co-dependence. Someone who likewise takes care of themselves (with support), and is happy to work together to take care of our home. A Creative who challenges the limits of my ingenuity. And as I write, I find myself struggling to be honest with myself about what else I truly want. When I think of the deepest connections in my life – like with my immediate family or closest friends, I don’t feel a need to talk to them every day. Some I don’t even talk to every month! But I know we unconditionally love and care for each other, regardless. I’m not sure how we know exactly, but it is never something that comes into question.
Perhaps we know because of those “love languages” we always hear about. My love languages are quality time, physical affection, and words of affirmation – in that order. Though with this period of isolation (#thanks2020), perhaps my tendencies are shifting more towards words of affirmation and away from physical affection. I was a hugger, but we’ll see. Hugs are cringey these days, but affectionate words are often welcome. And quality time doesn’t necessarily mean quantity time. If I have overwhelmingly positive experiences with someone every time we interact, I may not need many interactions to feel loved. The balance between quantity and quality is delicate. Too much or too little time together can both be treacherous for overall quality of time.
I am genuinely blessed by whatever forces that be to have found multiple incredible humans whom I can unconditionally care for and trust. I suppose what I want in a partner is that, but in a special exclusive arrangement that involves living together and fantastic sex. A family member. But sexier. Someone who I know has my back and who knows I have theirs. No matter what. Forever. A parent for my future children and someone who is excited to learn and grow as a team. Of course, I anticipate that I might occasionally feel let down or confused by my partner’s decisions. And I am sure they will feel the same way about some of mine. And I am double sure that we will feel disappointed by some of our future children’s decisions! But if I know my partner has my best interests at heart, and they know the same of me, I can’t imagine we would do anything unforgivable. Just as I would avoid doing anything inexcusable to any other member of my family.
Due to this exceptional period of quarantine, I’ve had increasingly more quality time with myself. We all have quantity time with ourselves, but rarely do we have this much opportunity to turn it into quality time. Through thorough self-reflection (aka repeatedly walking in a loop through the woods), I’m learning that I am perfectly capable of affirming myself, and thus loving myself, regardless of how others interact with or respond to me. So, at the end of the rabbit hole, I know I don’t need a partner in order to feel loved. But I have a lot of love to give, and my partner tends to get the brunt of it. It’s my joy to share my love with others!
Ideally, the future parent of my children will love me, too. But if I knew, for example, that my siblings somehow didn’t love me anymore, that wouldn’t change my love for them in the slightest. Perhaps I simultaneously crave and fear the consequences of loving others and accepting love, unconditionally. If a person is treating me with all of the traditional “fruits of the spirit” (joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control), I have no reason to doubt that they authentically love me, even if it isn’t understood or affirmed in three words.
